Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

nonsense and F.A.Qs

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

i never know what to do when i’m home. i play piano. i work. i eat. but once in a while i will be stuck in the tar pits of boredom. like i am now. so why not write a blog? just to set the scene: i am alone in my bedroom, in my underwear, sitting on my bed, alone. well, not completely alone. i hired the old woman down the street to periodically throw tumbleweeds across the room just to enhance the mood. 

so anyways, how are you? seriously. answer! scream it into the computer monitor like a crazy person! i’m going on the road for about three weeks tomorrow. the trip goes from d.c. to madison to alaska to portland to seattle with other things in between. hopefully i’ll see some of you out there. it really has been incredible meeting all of you. since i was very little i wanted to be a comedian. i would do “bo shows” when i was like 3. they were very professional and had jewish writers. and now all of you are allowing me to live my dream. so thank you.  *tear* (which cascades down my face, hits the floor, slips between the floorboards, soaks into the earth and awakens george carlin. AN ATHEIST ZOMBIE! RUN FROM THE IRONY!)

the shows have been great. people are responding very well to my new material…i don’t know why i phrased that like a mad scientist. i’m very excited about my new show. i’m going to continue to post on youtube, but i want my live show to be new and exciting for all of you when you see it. 


now, i will answer some F.A.Qs

when is your birthday? august, 21st. 1990

how tall are you? 6′5″

really? yes.

why did you post videos on youtube? honestly, i don’t remember. that shows how confused i was. but i’m very glad i did.

did your family really think you were gay? i think so.

are you? no.

but like, are you? no. 

why don’t play at my college/event/funeral??? i don’t deal with that, sadly. you need to talk to your student activities board and/or email

why do your songs have the same chords? fuck you.

why do you blog? good question.

why can’t you remember any other frequently asked questions? i don’t know!


so, i hope you all are having a good fall. i’ve been spending a lot of time lately answering everybody on twitter and my facebook page so come say hi to me there. 

thanks for reading. no one reads anymore. except old people. and they can’t work computers. so if you’re a young person who can work a computer and also has read this far, i commend you. you will rule the world one day. 

take it easy everybody.

one love. (what?!)


not-so-boring touring…

Saturday, September 19th, 2009

hello all! 

sorry i have been so bad at updating this blog. i’m going to be much better from now on. if not, you all have permission to spread the rumor that i was one of the few kids molested by a nun.

anyways…i am three weeks into the FAKE ID TOUR. the shows have been really fun so far. I’d say my show is about 2/3 old material and 1/3 new. by the end of the tour, i’m hoping that my entire set will be new (and then i can always do old ones for an encore ((assuming that everyone hasn’t left already))). i’m working hard on a new hour of material — one that is a cohesive set made for the stage, rather than an assembly of youtube clips.

so if you think i’ve abandoned youtube, i haven’t. and if you still think that after you just read what i wrote, you’re either illiterate or a dick. and if you’re an illiterate dick, don’t be bitter, lots of people can’t read.

i have so much respect for youtube and so much appreciation for what it’s done for me. i’m a very big fan of a lot of fellow youtubers and i spend a good, or more accurately, a bad 3 hours on it everyday. i will not stop posting videos. i just don’t want people coming to my shows having seen it all online. you know? do you? i knew it. 

also, be looking forward to updates on — i’ve been a little too busy lately, but once i sell the rest of this meth, it’s gonna be a par-tay.

i have a show tonight at alfred university. so i’m cooped up in this tiny hotel. the tv is playing maury and jerry springer marathons. i can barely hear myself think over the women screaming “IT’S YO BABY! IT’S YO BABY! LOOK AT IT’S NAME TAG!” 

i’m looking forward to meeting everyone who comes out to the rest of my shows. i always stick around afterwards to meet anybody who wants to say hi. i don’t like the term “meet n greet.” it’s sounds too old. you do “meet n greets” with the guy who hosts antique roadshow. eff that shiz. excuse me. i’ve got the ebonic plague. hey-o!

alright i need to go, now.

i just wanted to write this little blog to get you all back to speed. more to come!

thanks guys.

you rule.




Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

want to win stickers and posters and a signed cd? i don’t. i have too many of them. that’s why I’m giving them away!
the rules:
take a creative picture of you with my new album
email it
if you photoshop yourself or the album in you will be disqualified (it needs to really be you and really be a copy of my album PHONIES!)
be creative! the more creative the better chance you have of winning.

i will send the three most creative people prize packs – woo!!!

have fun!

i look forward to judging you.


p.s. my comedy central special airs friday night at 11pm!!!

stranded in the airport…popcorn.

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

what’s up?
that was rhetorical.
so i came out to indianapolis to do the bob and tom radio show and the myspace secret show**. little did i know that my flight would be cancelled. the goddang (pontius) pilot didn’t show up. huff.
now i’m stuck in the airport with nothing to do, so i thought, hey! why not write a blog? and even though a bunch of answers flooded into my head after that, the boredom took over.


here’s a story. i was walking through the terminal a few minutes ago, when I came upon a popcorn store. i went inside. i browsed the shelves. they had every kind of popcorn you could imagine (i think that place was owned by the lovechild of orville redenbacher and bertie bott). and even though they had chocolate popcorn, and caramel popcorn, and blueberry popcorn, and snozzberry popcorn, they were missing ONE flavor – popcorn flavored popcorn.
i asked the woman at the front, “excuse me, do you have any plain popcorn?”
she reacted as if i asked her, “excuse me, can i rape you?”
she answered “this is a gourmet popcorn store.”
so i guess, more literally, she reacted as if i asked, “excuse me, is this a gourmet popcorn store?”
so i asked, “so, do you have any plain popcorn?”
she answered, “no.”
i asked, “really?”
she answered, “yes.”
i asked, “so how do you make the blueberry flavored popcorn? do you change it when it’s still a kernel***? do you alter it genetically? Because if not, you must just put weird blueberry flavoring onto PLAIN popcorn.”
she stared at me.
she went into the back and gave me small bag of plain flavored popcorn.
it wasn’t good. i should’ve gone with blueberry.

well i need to go now. it’s only 2 more hours until my flight and i should start staring at the ceiling before i run out of time.

oh, and thanks to everybody who bought my album yesterday! i’m trying to beat the lonely island’s “incredibad” in sales this week. it’s operation “beat the jizz out of their pants.” if i don’t defeat them, i will watch “Hot Rod.”

take it easy.

** is “myspace secret show” not the creepiest name for a show you’ve ever heard? i think it was sponsored by dateline nbc.
*** or “colonel” if it’s qualified